She who has a rip in her soul
So welcome
to be Evolutionary, the podcast.
We're sitting here in our
living room as always,
and this podcast might be a little strange
because, um, Michael and I are actually
in deep healing states right now.
And, um,
everything is kind of slowed down.
I don't think anybody in their
right mind would ever wanna
do a podcast in this state.
'cause I'm certainly feeling raw.
And yet,
like this is the real deal for evolving.
And I'm gonna go off track
a little bit here, but.
In our living room, we, uh,
pulled these Oracle cards.
Um, Brian, I don't
know, how do you say it?
Fjord, how do you say that?
FRI think it's Freud.
Ffr, yeah.
Fud.
Fud.
Apologies or not pronouncing it correctly.
Um, fairy Oracle cards.
I haven't worked with them in a while.
Um.
But, uh, at the beginning of the, the
new Year for the New Year's, I pulled
them out and started working with them
and I forgot how powerful they are.
Um, and when I sat down in the living
room, the cards were out, and yesterday
I pulled Singer of the Healing, which
is a she card, and they are the, she.
The beings that I channel that have
spoke of, they've showed up for
other people, um, with information.
And it just so happens that when I pulled
out this deck of cards a few days ago.
Um, I, I recognized, um, that
I, I've never seen that before.
I never really pulled these cards,
these singer cards before, and there's
an explanation that of what and who the
singers are, which they call the she and
um, there was this intense validation.
For me.
Um, so right now when I, when I sat down
in the living room, the cards, the, the
sun was not shining on the cards, and so
I was just looking at these cards that
I pulled yesterday and I was like, oh, I
need to put that away and pull a new one.
And the card actually spoke and
said, no, I'm staying right here.
The singer of the Healing
and I was like, oh, okay.
And then I just had this
most intense healing process
that I'm still in
to actually talking, kind of
pulls me out of it a little bit.
But what I wanted to say is that
when I opened my eyes after this
healing process, the sun was
shining on the backs of these cards.
'cause they're kind of leaning
up against a candle in a circle.
And you might wanna walk over
here, Michael, but it's the
most extraordinary, exquisite.
The card is shining.
It's like where all the,
the, the photographs or the, the, the
painting that Brian did with these
cards, when the light shines from
the back of them where he painted
the light codes and, and the light.
Do you see this?
Is that extraordinary?
I know Michael didn't want to do
this right now 'cause it's weird.
No, I was just struggling
with the mute button.
We're in a weird state.
The uh, yeah, it's really amazing.
I grabbed a photo of it.
Did you see?
Uh, I, ill.
His name is Iby, but I call him Iby.
Do you, do you see how the
light for him is shining?
Mm-hmm.
Like where the light is
on the top of his head?
Mm-hmm.
The light from the back of the card
is just illuminating the cards.
Yeah.
In the places where Brian
painted illumination.
They actually look like different cards
with the illumination through the back.
Right?
And then there's this, there's
this triangle coming down
from, from the top of the card.
It's like, it's the most
extraordinary thing I've ever seen.
It's so beautiful.
So what does that mean for you?
Well, I feel like I've had the
most deepest healing of my life.
Like it's so extraordinary.
I mean, you know, when we got out
of this meditation, it's just.
It wasn't even a meditation.
We just closed our eyes and
things started happening.
Like I feel like I'm healing a root cause.
Like I told you, it was like if
I was gonna write a book about my
life or my lives, my incarnation,
it would be she who has a rip in her soul.
And I feel like that rip is healing
and I, right now it feels very raw.
It's all on my left side, like coming from
the outside of my body towards the spine.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
I feel that, and I, and I can sense.
The, like, the lines of light within
my energy field are repairing and
as they do, I can feel all the
places where I tore my soul apart.
I don't, I've never
felt anything like this
and I can feel that like
through intention and self love.
That the structures are repairing,
and as I'm saying this, I open my eyes
again and I look at the, the singer
of the healing, and it's even more
illuminated in the center of where she is
and the, the edges of the card are dark.
It's only illuminating, like
it's coming, like where that,
oh,
it's making that, um, that like
illumination that looks like
it's coming down in a cone shape.
It's because it's leaning against
two other cards behind it.
I just noticed that, that that's why
it's, it's, the light is only shining
like that, but it's just miraculous.
So you asked me what it
means for me, and it's like,
like I could feel the illumination and
the transmission of that card of healing.
Like I feel like
this is.
The deepest healing that I've ever had,
and it's like all the pain, all the
suffering, all the self punishment.
Like that's what's, it doesn't
even feel like a letting go.
It feels more like, um,
it's just gone
and there's this repair of the wound.
And when I focus inward,
it's this sense of self-love
that is actually the healer.
Like nobody is healing me.
I'm healing myself,
and the recognition that
nobody's done anything to me,
I've done it all to myself.
I was the one that ripped my soul apart.
I was the one that refused to receive,
refused to allow love in and good in.
And I can feel all these people in my
life who have been impacted by this.
Perhaps even thinking that they did
something wrong, because either in
their own innocence or my actual blame,
and right in this moment, I know
they have never done anything wrong
and taking ownership of that or.
This recognition,
and in doing so, there's this, uh,
deep forgiveness within my own being
for the choices that I've made.
The moments of sabotage,
the moments of, you know,
pure destruction of my life.
The moments where I
just refuse to receive,
like I could feel my parents,
my relationship with them,
my kids,
my sisters.
My family members,
my friends, my bosses.
But what's really interesting is this.
Feeling this rip in my soul,
like that's what it feels like.
It's so deep
and as I feel into it, there's
so much unconditional love
for myself and my own being
that there's just this forgiveness.
Of self,
like I didn't do anything wrong.
I was just hurting.
I can feel myself.
Saying, I love you to myself,
and as I do, I can actually
feel the structures repairing,
mending the rip.
And now I open my eyes again.
I feel actually, I feel like the,
the wound is not so tender anymore.
Like it just, it finished.
I'm sure there's a little bit more
left, but really it feels, uh, repaired.
It doesn't feel so raw
and tender right now.
And then I open my eyes
and the sun is gone,
which I mean,
it's like those little
synchronicities, those little miracles.
Just as a validation, it's so cool.
Like you can't make
this shit up, you know?
One of the things that
she have talked about.
Is that help is always available,
always available, and all the help,
all the supportive nature is just
waiting for one thing and one thing
only, and that one thing is our choice.
And so I'm recognizing that
what you're describing here is.
An emergent outcome of the repeated
choice you, you've made in your being.
Well, even while I was getting dressed
this morning before I came down,
that's, I, I was, I was like, what, what
is it that's keeping me stuck right now?
Like, show me.
Like, you know?
Hmm.
And then I just, and then I just, you
know, left it and I came downstairs
and it was like, almost
like the minute I sat down.
And it began with this very, very
deep, well, I already told you, but
I'll explain it again, just this
very, very deep feeling in my being of
not leaving you,
which
I won't go into all the.
The details, but, um, when
things get tough, I'm a runner.
Like, I'm like, okay, I'm done here.
I mean, you know, that nine years
we've been together, just to be honest.
But, um, and, and there was
a sensation deep in my body
of, of a, no, I'm not.
There's no like, what are you doing?
Like what?
What is that?
It was just a weird, I can't
explain it other than it felt like
this deep settling in my body.
It was light at the same time,
and it was just like this, like
whatever the impetus that wants
to run was completely gone.
There was a noticing in my consciousness
that that aspect of me was not there.
And then I, I started thinking about
my kids and I was like, wow, they never
did anything wrong, like my ex-husband.
Like, and then I rolled through my life.
And saw all these places where I
didn't like what was happening,
and I blamed it on my outside
circumstances instead of my own being.
And that's when it, that's.
When everything started to, I
started to feel that rip in my soul.
I can't really explain
like, like the, the details
right now even.
Well, what happened happened for
you for this particular situation.
It's not like you're trying to describe
a script or repeatable procedure No.
That this was the experience that you
needed to go through from the unique.
Constellation of the, of your being.
And even like when it was, when I sat
here and I, I had my eyes closed and
I was feeling into it and I could feel
the rip in my soul and then I could feel
this healing happening through self-love.
I mean, I actually started saying, I
love you, and then I could feel the.
But when I came, I kind of came out of
it and it opened my eyes and you had
your eyes open and I just, I was in this
really profound energetic state where I
like couldn't move and I just looked at
you and I said, I have a rip in my soul.
And then we sat here for a while.
Then I was like,
oh, we should do a podcast.
I don't even know why, like who
would do a podcast in this state?
But thank you for turning the mic on.
Know, this is only probably your, your
thousandths time or five thousandths
time, or 10000th time of looking
at everything you just shared.
The thing is that you
could, feels very different.
You could not have seen it
from this perspective before.
The other thing that I was thinking
about while this was happening,
there was this moment where like,
oh yeah, we just recorded that, uh,
transformational audio yesterday.
I guess it's working.
Yeah.
Even in this moment, I'm
recognizing the cost of
of this healing right now.
I don't mean financially,
but probably that too.
But
like all the moments of my
life led up to this moment
trying to show me.
And all the situations that are going
on in our personal life right now
have also been the catalyst
to question in a really deep way.
What are we creating for ourselves?
That has been the, the catalyst
for the, the deep, deep
contemplation and reflection
in the state of what if it were
true that I am creating this.
Hmm.
So while the cost seems very high, if
you, if I'm reflecting on my life at
the same time, if it didn't happen that
way, this wouldn't have happened now.
Right.
Well, that's my insight from this morning
is that, you know, this
whole business of cost.
You know the experiencing the pain.
Hold on a second.
I muted us both.
I learned how to do that.
I think.
Maybe not
or not.
So my insight from this morning
or revelation was that from the
perspective of the corrupted
consciousness loop, the egoic mind.
Challenge, pain, difficulty.
It's all bad and we want
to avoid it at all costs.
We just want things to
be smooth sailing, right?
And we want things to be known
and all this sort of stuff.
And from the perspective of, you
know, we can call it our higher self,
our being as creator, conscious,
viewed with the infinite, which
we are already, that there's a.
There's a desire for wholeness, a desire
for purification out of the deviation.
And from that perspective, every single
challenge is a gift in benediction.
'cause it raises up the opportunity for us
to let go of that limitation that, that,
that, and purify ourselves into the truth.
Uh, or, or awareness.
Purify awareness really.
'cause we already are that.
But purify awareness into what
we truly are so we can fully
experience it as an incarnated being.
And so depending on which side of
the equation you're looking at it
from, from your separated self, you
know, challenge, difficulty, pain,
you know, emotional, blah, blah,
blah, is all very, very, very bad.
Avoided at all costs from the perspective
of you living and experiencing life
as intended as creator consciousness.
Imbued with the infinite
incarnated human form.
It's all a benediction.
And so if you look at it, it's
like, well, you, you, you know, I'm
looking at it right now with some
of the struggles we're encountering.
And I'm like, okay, wait a second.
I'm putting this in the, the
category of, oh, this is not good.
But on the other hand, without, it's
the best thing that ever happened,
it's the best thing that ever happened.
Yeah.
Right.
Exactly right.
That's what I was telling my
sister the other day when I was, we
were, she's like, what's going on
with your, with you and you guys?
And I started saying it.
She was like, oh my gosh.
You know?
And I, I was like, no,
you don't understand.
You can't understand because you know
from the perspective of, of, and this
is the best thing that ever happened.
Yeah.
Because we wouldn't be
questioning, how am I causing this?
Like, who does that?
Or you start spinning out of control
instead of, you know, slowing down,
breathing into it.
And being with it
and then, you know, healing
the root cause of why you're
creating it in the first place.
When it's intentional, it's
just happens and it's quick.
I don't know, how long have
we been sitting here for?
Maybe an hour.
I
don't know.
What's coming up for me is just
this understanding of, you know,
I know from, you know, my egoic
perspective, I just wanna know,
well, you know, what's the tool?
What's the technique, what do I do?
Blah, blah, blah.
I'm ready.
I'm ready to go.
I'm ready to evolve and.
You know, as the journey.
And that's really beautiful.
I mean, that's all, that's all good.
That's a wonderful way
to start the journey.
And, you know, there's a, there's a
knowingness that, that comes in is
that this is an unfolding journey
and that there's a, a process
of letting go of what I knew
before, which is extraordinary.
I mean, in some ways I think everything
I knew before this information
started coming in is the biggest
liability, is all the misperceptions
and limitations from that.
But just this, this letting go of even
things that are, you know, the, the, the
tools, the technique I've been using for
years and letting go into something new.
And not only that, but being in this
state of like, I don't really know.
I do not understand.
Because as much as we understand
about the mechanics of creation, which
is just extraordinary and vast, the
truth is I, I, I don't understand.
You don't understand.
We have, you know, maybe one, the
tip of the, our story, 1% of 1%
of 1% of the important things that
we need to focus on right now.
Like, I mean, it's like,
so, so there's, well, why
would we even be given.
The whole, all the information or all
the knowledge, it doesn't help you?
Well, it doesn't even never, it
doesn't even fit in our, in our, in
our beings, like are, have the limited
consciousness because we don't need it.
Otherwise, we'd be focusing on
something that's unnecessary instead
of focusing on, on like what we need
to do now for this present moment to,
at this stage of evolution, at this
frequency band that we're operating at.
Yes.
Yeah.
You know the other thing too.
Oh, that's why the tools change because
when we move up the frequency band,
we need to use a different tool chain.
Yeah.
That's why there's this constant, that's
why we have so many versions of get clear.
It's not like we, we've
done something wrong.
It's just, wait a second.
That's just the natural
order of the mechanism.
Not only that, but.
You need to learn.
So like, so when I was in art school, I
go back to this metaphor all the time.
It's like you, my teacher was very clear
because there was a kid at one of the
students he painted next to me and he
wanted to paint abstracts and he was so
talented and brilliant and the teacher
was like, no, you don't understand.
You need to paint the, the spheres and the
the blocks with the light shining on it.
You need to paint it how you see it.
You need to learn the foundations first.
And he said, all great painters,
they learn the foundations first.
You learn how to do landscapes, portraits.
You learn to.
You know, with your eyes, you learn the
basic foundations of painting and then
you can do abstract, you know, and it's
like, so if you look at, you know, the
tools, it's, it's more like you, we've
been learning the basic foundation, and
as we learn and as we evolve, as we master
the tool, then we go to the next level.
At that level of mastery and we
master it and go and go and go.
And, you know, even with Cal one, in
Cal two, you know, level one course,
you need to master what you received
in, in the, the leadership training.
You know, like what we, you know,
you do that and then you go to
level two and then you master that.
Or not full mastery, but
enough to get the next piece.
Hmm.
Yeah.
A hundred percent agree.
And, uh, you know what your story reminded
me of at the same time, I, there's this
other really interesting story of, uh,
Gershwin, you know, the famous American
composer created extraordinary music.
Went to go study with Schubert, who's
this very famous European, you know,
highly respected composer, much more
famous than Gershwin was at the time.
And Gershwin said, you know,
will you, will you teach me?
And then Schubert looked at
him and looked at his work.
He says, no, I won't teach you because
all I can do is make you into a Schubert.
But you are already a Gershwin.
You are already completed.
You already have the ability to
create in such an extraordinary way.
And so as an analog to this, this story is
like, well, you know, for those listening,
if, if you're already a gershwin, if
you already are able to create your
reality and live in, in, in, in unity
consciousness, you know you're complete.
And if not, you may, you may wanna, you
may want to use the, the path of learning.
Well, that's a dangerous statement.
No, I don't think it is because I think,
you know, when I thought of your, um, I
thought of that story you're telling about
that one student who's very talented, you
know, what if it were true, he was already
complete and had everything he needed to
do and was creating extraordinary weight.
That's what I, that's what came up
and, and here's the deal, you know?
Well, that's the paradox.
Well, that's the paradox.
And I think that's the thing is that,
you know, and I know for myself.
You know, this journey keeps on
unfolding and whatever I thought
was higher consciousness, wasn't it?
And it just unfolds and unfolds.
It's like, that's why I said that is
the dangerous statement because the
mind will always tell you, look at me.
I'm just, no, I'm just getting something.
This is what I, I was gonna, um,
I was gonna share before you,
you said, and I said, what is it?
Um, is that I channel I've been
talking to beings of higher
consciousness my whole entire life.
I have, I have.
Abilities.
Mystical abilities, psychic abilities,
whatever you wanna call them.
Energetic, energetic abilities.
I have witnessed miraculous
healing events and still,
had I not met you,
had I not even gone to India to
begin with, to understand like,
why wasn't my life working still?
With all these abilities.
That's why I say it's a dangerous
statement to say, well, you know, what?
If he is an amazing abstract painter
and he doesn't need any more training,
had I not recognized in my own being
that even with all these capabilities,
that there was still something missing,
I wouldn't have been on the profound
journey that I, I, I am for evolution.
So it's a yes and or it's the paradox.
Well, I think we have a, you know, we've
coined this, you know, many years ago.
The moment you think you don't
need to evolve is the moment you're
stuck in lower consciousness, right?
Because even the, she say after this
evolution of humanity and moving from
fifth dimensional frequency to sixth
dimensional frequency, there's more.
Like the universe, well, is a, is
a continuous evolution to, so to
say that you've reached a stage or
whatever, or, or if you, you know,
those think, you think you're in
unity consciousness, then you're done.
That's why I said it's
a dangerous statement.
Mm-hmm.
Because I actually know
people that do think that.
Yeah, Audrey.
That's why we're having the
conversation and that's why,
that's why I shared the story.
Oh, okay.
Wheels Within Wheels Within Wheels.
Wait a minute.
I'm like, that's a very
dangerous statement.
So yeah.
So yeah, go ahead then continue.
I'm so sorry.
No, go ahead.
I don't have anything more to say.
I just wanna take a moment.
I guess what's coming up for me is that
we're all masters of self-deception.
That's the whole fundamental
basis of ego consciousness
and.
And I think that's kind of what you
shared and started this whole thing
with is, was your choice to look
beyond, to say, what am I not seeing?
What am I not aware of?
Show me I want, I want to know now.
I'm ready for the truth.
I'm ready for the full truth.
I'm ready to heal.
I want to heal, I want to evolve,
I want to transform, transmute.
And when you hold that intention, and
I think that's what's been true for us.
Certainly, I don't know, not,
probably not for the whole journey.
It's kind of gone on and off, but now is
just holding that intention very deeply
of, of wanting to fully and completely
purify out of the deviation into the, of
the, the truth of, of who we are, free
of pain and suffering, and ability to
create our reality immediately at will.
I remember when, um, we were teaching
the, the leadership training and,
um, we were talking about, um,
we were talking about developing
the academy and we were talking
about feedback when you receive
feedback and how you receive it.
Mm-hmm.
And going through those exercises when
we were developing those exercises
and.
Years after that.
It was a few years after that.
'cause I remember we lived on Bayview
Wood and then we lived on Cache.
And it was that moment at Cache where
you gave me feedback that I do something.
I forgot even what it was.
And my first reaction is, no, I don't.
And then I.
Breathed into like, I just took
a moment and I slowed down and
I breathed into what if it were
true that I do show up this way,
and that was the turning point for me.
It was a life changer for me.
Because then I was shown the truth,
like the self-deception, that bail lifts
off of your being, your consciousness.
And that's the whole technology of
consciousness, to shift consciousness,
to actually change behavior.
And that even the neurotransmitters
in your brain like.
You need to have that depth of awareness
to be able to shine the light on what
was hidden within your consciousness.
So that saying, what if it were
true is the flashlight, is that
awareness mechanism, is the technology
when you use it
with.
Integrity with innocence of just
saying, okay, what if it were true?
Show me.
And that technology of, of
shifting consciousness then
kicks in the awareness piece.
That awareness takes what's hidden.
You know, we, and we say this all
the time, that is the, the hidden
thing is that that more powerful
force in creating your reality.
So if you take that, the hidden
sub subconscious damaging
behavior pattern, and you shine
the light of awareness on it.
The veil of self-deception is gone and
you could say, yes, I do this thing.
Then it comes to the surface and to your
consciousness, and it no longer has power.
Like that's the missing piece
that people just don't seem to
understand of what awareness
actually can do and the power of it.
W Well, I think that's part of the
whole, I think lock on humanity right
now is thinking that, oh, awareness.
I, I just, I just use my awareness.
I have awareness.
It's like, well, no, no, no, you
don't, you don't have awareness.
You have layers and layers of self
deception and lack of awareness
and lack of training in how to
actually utilize your awareness.
And so what you just described
as the protocol of what if it
were true, asking yourselves.
With some difficult information.
What if it were true is just one of
many, many technologies or many, many
like tools or techniques within the
technology of this work that give one
the ability to cultivate awareness.
And I think really that's the whole of
the whole thing when I think about it.
It's really cultivating awareness.
'cause the truth is we already are
creator consciousness imbued with
the infinite incarnating human form.
We already are that right now,
but we're not aware of it.
Yeah.
Right.
We've hidden the truth.
We think it's the opposite.
We think, yeah, we wanna become
something, but we already are
that we just have to let go of
the misperception of what we are.
Right.
Or that God is out.
You know, I hate to use that word,
but it, it's, you know that, that
higher power, higher power is.
You know, outside of us and
we have to ask it for help.
Well, that's a whole other thing.
'cause you know, we, we only did it
ourselves and we can also take help and,
you know, that's a whole other paradox.
But, but just, just for where we are
now, I think this is really important
is that there's this, this need to
have the, the, the tools and techniques
that are appropriate and valuable.
The frequency band we're operating at.
And most people don't even
know what frequency band
they're operating at, right?
They don't even have an awareness of how
their frequency is, is shifting moment
to moment throughout the day, right?
Until they go, oh, I feel really bad
right now, but, but it's just kinda
like bad or I, I feel okay, or, you
know, or this person makes me feel bad,
or this situation makes me feel bad.
You know, you're most successful form of
disempowerment available on the planet.
Zaza.
Well, we're at 50 minutes here,
so I don't know if there's
anything else you wanna share.
No, let's just take a moment.
I'd like to close in gratitude
for the transmission of this work,
for all the guides and like being
supporting our evolutionary process.
And for our own choice to
evolve, go all the way through.
I'd just like to say thank you for our own
choice to evolve, not making it mystical
or light beings or anything else, but
'cause truly, I had all that.
I never had your dedication.
Or unwavering commitment and sort
of truth to your own evolution that
modeled the way for me to be, and
a reminder of what I needed to do
that is more powerful than any light
being or any mystical experience.
So thank you.
I agree, and you need all three.
I love you.
I love you.
